Learning from death exercise


I attended a workshop last weekend. There is a death experience inside that made me really alert, awake and reflect about my life.

I used to put ‘Living each day as the last of my life’ as my motto. That is where I got inspired by Steve Job’s speech in Stanford. But I get caught up by life and it’s so easy to forget about where do you came from, why you are here and what is important for life.

The exercise is about if you have two weeks to live, what will you do? How do you want to design your own funeral? Who will you talk to in your death bed and what do you want to put in your tomb stone etc. Such a few simple questions, but it also bring up lots of emotions.

The first thing I want to do before I know I will die is to give all my money and belongings to my mom. But I realized that my mom lives in a good life and she doesn’t really need my money. So I decided to give half to my nieces(my brother’s two little girls, they are 11 and 8 this year). But my brother lives in an abundant life, they have everything they need, they don’t need my money too. Then I realized that maybe money is over rated in my life?

I also thought about house. I put lots of stress on myself that I want to buy a beautiful house of my own. But to the end, I can not bring the house with me

3rd thing comes to me is that Jesus, it’s only two weeks? I don’t even have enough time to give birth to a baby. I so want to be a mom and have my own baby. I want to tell him how much I love him and I want to become a good mom. Two weeks is too short to have baby, then I accept I won’t have baby now.

Then I started to say bye to all my family, relatives, friends, acquaintances. I cried when I say say bye to my mom, my brother, my aunt, my uncle and other friends. Then I realized that after I did Vision Quest with Patrick Ryan, the death lodge session has already helped me to clear up almost all the old scar/tangle with people from my past. I’ve already forgive myself and everyone who hurled me before, also apologized for what I did to other people. I am pretty clean with my past. Then I realize something missing: I don’t have a love one in my life that I can say bye to. It is such an empty feeling that I feel I miss so far. Ever since I ended my last relationship, I actually met lots of great man and lots of them expressed interest in me, but I can always find proof that he is the not the one. My friends thought I am picky, only myself know that deeply inside of myself I am so wounded, I don’t want to get close to anyone. I guess it’s a life choice that you are either wounded by open your heart or close your heart so that you won’t get hurt, but you also don’t have a true life too.

During the exercise, we also visualized that we left our body and see how people react by seeing me dead and what people will say during my memorial service. Also they let me choose what I want to write in my tombstone. I come out with: I lived, I loved. I feel I did nothing in this life, I don’t know what is anything bigger than love.

Soon, this exercise came to an end. We were told that it is just an exercise, but what did we learnt from it? Then the leader asked us to come out with a declaration of my life. The declaration I came out is: I am lovable and loving, I have courage to love.

Have courage and be kind, my friend. I wish you live your life well too!

Things I wish I knew when I was 20

I was invited to give an opening remark speech for Global Chamer 2nd Annual International Student Symposium 2017. They asked me what I want to talked about, I thought it for two days, decided to put the topic as: Things I wish I knew when I was 20.

So I look back to when I was a college student, I remember I set lots of goals: I want to go to work in this company, I want to study in that county, I want to buy a house. I want to have a boyfriend like that. It is all good goals, but what will happen if you didn’t get what you want? I feel anxious, I compare myself to other people and I feel I am not good enough, I sometimes regret that I chose the wrong major and I was really busy and lots of stress. Then I feel stuck.

So I decided to talk about the following stuff: TRUST, RESPONSIBILITY, BREATH, PRESENCE, CHOICE, POSSIBILITY

  1. Trust: Do you believe this is a friendly universe? Do you trust that everyone is creative, resourceful and whole that everything will flow out just right naturally?
  2. Responsibility: Take responsibility for your own life, you are responsible to your own happiness.Don’t blame others for your unhappiness or your stuck.
  3. Keep Breath, the breath connect to your heart with present moment,
  4. Be present, not regret of the past, no fear to the future
  5. Keep exercise, physical health is the ultimate thing.
  6. Living in a choice, think about long term impact on your choice. Follow your heart, live with your passion
  7. POSSIBILITY: You have lots of possibilities in life, what is possible? Make a good choice for yourself.

After the talk. I drove home feeling unsettled, since I don’t know if those college student got it. I doubt myself that is it a good speech. After arrive home, I received a letter from an attendee, he said he was so touched by the talk. I feel really happy today!

Forgiveness set the freedom of Human Being


Forgive text on hand design concept

Forgive set the freedom of Human Being

This noon, I went to costco to get some groceries. My friend called me during my grocery shopping, so I talked to her on phone. Then I felt that I was hit by a cart. So I looked back, I saw a lady on my back pushing the cart, she realized that she hit me too, so she said: I was going to tell you this is the not the right place to make a call. Then she left. I felt hurt: my butt got so sore. I felt angry: why she can justify it so righteous, I felt vulnerable, because I am still in cold.

I processed it this afternoon for a long time, then I realize it is human’s nature that we justify things when we do something wrong but we don’t want to admit it is our fault. I simply just need her to say sorry, that is it, but I didn’t get it. That is the reason I felt uneasy. Then I asked myself:

1. How many time you accidentally did something wrong to someone but don’t want to own it. I admitted that I did it too before. And today I forgive myself for doing so.

2. How many time I was treated wrong, by my parents, my friends or anyone occurs in myself. Today, I forgive them for doing so.

I forgive myself and everyone mistreated me and I release my anger toward this world, I am open and gratitude for everything and everyone comes to myself and I am committed to love myself. Because I know that forgiveness set me free to live in a loving world

Vision Quest Learning from Patrick Ryan

Olina in Wonderland


第一次听说Patrick Ryan是在2012年,朋友告诉我她的一个朋友去了一个为时7天的Vision Quest, 在荒野里寻找自己人生的意义,回来以后强烈推荐,觉得人生改变了很多。做为一个终生学习者,一听到🈶这样的好东西我就非常的向往,尤其听到Patrick 曾经在缅甸当过和尚,更是视其为天人。于是之后的日子Vision Quest 好几次出现在我的新年计划里,但都因为浮沉俗世的总总牵绊,没能成行。今年,当我发现这次的quest 是在我生日的当天,我感觉宇宙好像在呼唤我过来:来吧,Olina,有什么比这个更好的庆祝新的生日的时候呢?于是2016年4月18日,我风风火火的来到了位于Joshua Tree Park 附近的沙漠,开始了我7天的Vision Quest 之旅。

到达Vision Quest的第一天,我第一次见到了传说中的Patrick, 小老头和蔼可亲,第一次见面拥抱我长达2分钟之久,好像久违的亲人,在这里等了我很久的样子。Patrick 说,人生来就是一个完整的个体,饿了哭,高兴了笑,简单而开心。但在成长的过程中我们会有牵绊,每次经历挫折我们的灵魂都会丢失一些,当我们丢失灵魂以后会常常沮丧,🈶挫败感。同时,当一个人做事失败的时候不是因为他没有能力,而是因为他忘记了做这件事的初心和使命。

开始的头两天Patrick给我们做了很多准备工作,不停的从各个层面激发我们回首自己的过去,找寻生命的意义。并且不停的告诉我们之后会有三天两夜我们需要到沙漠里面独自生存,可以带两加仑的水,两块粘布挡挡风雨,睡袋和足够御寒的衣服。不让带帐篷,不给吃东西,不和外界交流。听到这个我就害怕了,我以为我大老远的从硅谷跑来是听你给我传授人生的真谛,什么?居然三天两夜没有东西吃?还要住在沙漠里,沙漠里面有山狼,有蛇,有各种各样的危险,我被咬了怎么办?晚上这么冷,风那么大,冻坏了怎么办?我发现自己在犹豫。只可惜不是自己开车来的,连偷偷跑掉的可能都没有。就不停的和Patrick 碎碎念,我好害怕,觉得自己坚持不下来。Patrick 倒是很淡定,他说我觉得你是一个非常勇敢的女生,你面对困难不能老躲啊,坚强点,去吧。过了这三天,你这辈子就没有过不去的事情了。我一听,也是,躲也躲不过去了,咱就硬着头皮往前冲吧!


终于到了这一天,我们开始荒漠之旅。凌晨5点45,我们出发上路了,像Alice 走进极美世界,我背着前一天晚上小熊帮我准备好的大包,带着我的睡袋,垫子,两块粘布,所有御寒的衣服就出发了。出发的时候倒是没有想那么多,就当郊游了。三天两夜总得找个落脚的地方吧?我背着那么大的行囊和所有的家当在荒野里面走,心里充满恐惧,觉得要找个安全的地方比较重要,挡风御寒的最好。找来找去,犹豫了半天,终于我发现一块大石头的后面不错,下面是软软的沙子,可以挡风,挡太阳,于是决定安营扎寨在这里。但我观察四周的时候,我看到了动物的粪便,就想, 这会不会是野狼的窝呢,就往石头下面的山洞里面仔细看,下面是一堆乱石头,再看,我看到了一个桔红色的小蛇在里面悠悠的爬过。这里居然是蛇窝?我吓的有点发抖,赶快收拾好所有家当,跑回去找Patrick 告状:蛇,这里居然真的有蛇。Patrick 很安静的看着我,说这里是野外,当然什么都有啊,多正常。但是我很害怕啊,我说。Patrick 说不要说我很害怕,是你内心那个三岁的小孩害怕了,但我看到的Olina 是勇敢的坚韧的,是可以承担起这个责任的。你是想让你内心三岁的小孩做主你的人生呢?还是你已经长大的自己。我想想,说的也是,是时候该长大了。自己掌握自己的人生。但是,现在怎么办呢?我还是害怕啊。Patrick 问我,你需要什么?我说我需要你帮忙我找个栖身之处,帮我把粘布支好。他说好吧,就带着我和我所有家当回到了沙漠里面。他帮我找到一个Juniper 树,帮我把粘布用绳子搭在树上,算是有个避风挡雨的窝,就走了。这样折腾了一圈,已近傍晚,我就开始写写日记,玩会儿石头,对着晚霞跳舞,冲着月亮乱叫,叫累了,就钻进我的小窝睡觉了。睡前我好好的把我这颗juniper 树赞美了一番,我说Juniper 呀Juniper, 请你好好保护我吧,不要受到所有的干扰。谢谢啦。就睡了。这一夜,居然一觉睡到天亮,完全忘了我一天没有吃东西的事。

早上,天亮我才醒,但感觉好冷,就不想动,主要也不知道这一天在荒野里面要干啥,就蹭着到太阳出来好高了才起床。起床后想起来还有两加仑水在那个大石头那边,没有饭吃,总得喝水吧。就壮起胆子去把自己的水拿回来,顺便也走走,看看周围。这里是古印第安人朝圣的地方,依稀还可以看到大石头🈶各种形态,各种表情。我试着和石头人沟通:石头人你好,我是Olina, 我生命的意义是什么呢?喊了半天,也没见石头人理我,倒是看到奔跑的小兔子,到我面前停了下来,我只好和小兔子说话,兔子你好,你想带我去哪里呢?兔子就这么安静的看了我5分钟,我也没听懂它想说啥,蹲着实在太累,就继续往前流浪。这里石头山太多了,我几乎都找不到昨天呆的地方了,只好大声像石头人求助:我问,可以帮忙我找到昨天的地方吗?我真的需要水。结果喊完我就发现那个地方就在前面。我战战兢兢的走向那个石头,发现我的水还在,但没有蛇在前面,就胆战心惊的过去把水拿着就走了,回到我栖身的地方,日头还不到中午,太阳开始毒了起来,风非常的大,让我没处躲没处藏的。这时候才发现自己也饿了。想吃香蕉,想吃鸡蛋,想我最爱的日本寿司店。我闭上眼睛,假装自己眼前🈶那么多的食物,我一点一点的吃,吃完摸摸自己的肚子,安慰自己说饱了吧。结果一会儿又饿了,这时候沙漠里面的太阳已经毒辣的厉害,狂风四起,我又热又饿又被风吹的难受,实在没有办法了就钻进我的避风港睡觉,睡了一会,起来发现没有那么饿啊。就开始写日记,玩石头,把脑子里面所有想的东西都写了一遍下来。发现没有微信打扰,其实也还好。不久就日落了,我就开始看着日落,看着晚霞满天飞,再看着月亮渐渐升起来。那天晚上的晚霞是我这一生见过的最美的晚霞。我看着自己的全部家当,其实发现就这些就够了,其实人真的需要那么多外在的物质吗?

Patrick 曾经说过,第二天的晚上尤其重要, 我们不能睡觉,要对着月亮大声说出自己的心愿,也问月亮我的人生的意义是什么。可是今晚的月亮很是诡异,出来一会儿就躲进云层,不再露脸,我等呀等呀,月亮就是不出来。我就好生气啊:我又冷,又饿,又累,挨了两天,就是要等今晚的月亮,但是今晚没有月亮,你让我对着谁叫呢?没有月亮的夜晚,沙漠里面安静的可怕,我要对谁起舞呢?也许我可以去找Patrick, 和他们一起也是个伴。我于是再一次收拾起了我的行囊,把睡袋,垫子,凳子,所有东西都装了起来,就又回到了营地,我对Patrick 大叫:Patrick, 今晚居然没有月亮!Patrick 说,今晚有月亮,它就是暂时被挡住了,很快就会出来,你要有耐心!我说沙漠里面好黑啊,我不想回去了,我可以在这边安营扎寨,等月亮出来吗?Patrick说,Olina,你已经完成了80%了,我很为你骄傲。为什么你不去完成最后的20%呢。你想想,刚来的时候你🈶想过你已经在沙漠里面呆两天一夜了吗?我说,但是没有月亮,又这么冷,我不敢一个人在外面,我估计回去就睡觉了。Patrick 说,就算是回去睡觉,你也是完成了啊。你已经在那个地方积累了你两天的能量,你要就这样抛弃它吗?他用了Abandon 抛弃这个词,我听了吓一跳,很多时候事不如意我们会抛弃这件事,抛弃别人,甚至抛弃自己。抛弃也是一种逃避,但我们要逃避到什么时候呢?我不喜欢逃避。于是我听到自己说,好吧,我回去。我真的不知道自己🈶那么大的胆子,靠着一个头灯,背着那么重的行囊,提着我的水和凳子,又再一次在黑暗中摸索回了沙漠。但是这一次,我找不到自己的地方了,我转啊转,几次来回,都找不到了。我想是因为我抛弃了那颗Juniper树,它不高兴了。但是我需要找到它,我不想抛弃它。于是我大声喊:大地母亲,请你原谅我,我真的想找回我的Juniper Tree,Please, please. 于是,我继续在黑暗里面摸索,仔细寻找,终于找到了我的那颗树。我高兴的要命,马上把粘布铺好,睡垫打开,睡袋放进去,就钻进睡袋了。沙漠里面的天气好冷,今晚的风好大,这个是我唯一可以坚持下来的办法。风一直吹着我的头,我把所有东西盖到了脑袋上去睡觉。这一晚,我偏偏睡不着了,我听到丝丝的响声,我有点害怕,但我想就算是蛇又怎样呢?我又没有踩到它,它不会怎样我的,不怕不怕。我渐渐的睡去了。半夜醒了3次,我看到月亮,于是大声喊:我是Olina, 我生命的意义是什么?月亮还是冲我笑,不讲话。我就又睡去了。

等我第三天醒来的时候,天已经亮了。月亮还在,但太阳还没有出来。我看到天亮了好高兴,急忙从我的睡袋里面钻了出来,风依旧大,天依旧冷。但我的心情是不一样的。我开始慢慢收拾我的行囊,一样一样把东西叠好,放进包里面,然后,慢慢的等太阳出来。等啊等,等到日出的那一刹那,我哭了,我从来没有看到过那么美的日出,我也没有看到过如此坚韧的自己。我像一个凯旋的士兵,拿着我的所有东西,一步一步迈向了营地,Patrick 他们早已经在那边等我,他看见我回来,开始给我拍照(亲啊,我已经几天没有梳头,洗脸刷牙了)我顾不上了,上去紧紧抱住Patrick, 说我做到了,如果我可以做这个,我可以做天下所有的事情!Patrick 说是,我在你身上看到了一个坚持,勇敢的Olina, 我为你骄傲!我信心满满,我发现我的眼神,我的步调都坚定了很多。



Patrick 写了三本书了,其中一本就叫Awaken Wisdom, 苏醒的智慧,摆在桌子上面,我于是好奇的翻了翻,他看到我在看他的书,就说,我可以送给你啊。我好高兴,说真的吗?太感谢了!他说你需要我在上面签名吗?我可以给你写些东西。我傻乎乎的还没有想过还有这些好事,连忙说好啊!他就提笔给我写了如下的赠言:

To Olina, the courageous one,

For all the creation of that you are talked to!


感谢Patrick, 感谢此次Vision Quest 的所有充满爱的人们,感谢这沙漠里的万事万物。人说万物有灵,我在这次行程中看到了他们的灵魂,也找到了自己的灵魂。

Learning from Landmark Power to Create!

接触到Landmark 培训其实是个很偶然的机会,有天下午一个朋友到我家玩,我就随口问句,你们周末做什么啊,他说,我要去参加Landmark Forum, 作为一个终身学习者,我对任何好的课程是没有抵抗力的,就也跟着人家一起去学了一个周末,他们的课程及其残忍,早9晚11,连学三天,学到那个周末我都快吐血了,当然那个周末也有了很多的突破,所以半年以后,当Landmark有个志愿者的机会向我招手的时候,我好了伤疤忘了痛,坚定的说,Yes.

我这次做志愿者的课程名字叫做Power To Create, 是Landmark 一个有名的沟通课程。 经历了两天早7晚11的魔鬼训练,这里是我的学习笔记,写出来大家分享:

1 人与人之间最重要的是沟通,最好的沟通是每次谈完我们双方都感觉被moved touched inspired, 这个翻译有点难度,我猜是感动,触摸,点醒。

2 我们每个人都有与生俱来的很大的影响力,只要我们立足于现在,行动起来,生命会有无限的可能和潜质。每天都是一个机会开拓你新的潜能。

3 沟通的本质是integrity 和 authenticity, 守信与真诚,我们每个人都要忠于自己。

4 当事情和预想不一样的时候,我们要及时清理,当我们和别人善始善终,我们也对自己有了很好的交代,然后继续迎接新的生活

5 对话分为自己对别人,别人对自己,别人对别人。当我们没有安全感,在求生状态,我们习惯于控制,说服,解释。当我们做自己命运的主人,我们真正学会放弃该放弃的,真正原谅别人,原谅自己,接受一切,活在当下,放低姿态,鼓舞别人,带着真诚,,勇于承担责任,有涵养的去沟通,我们就在创造生命无限的可能。沟通法则是:integrity, responsibility, generosity, stay in power, being in communication, resolve in communication

6 真正的沟通开始于我们走进对方的世界,真正的倾听他的感受。

7 我们每天的谈话很多都是重复的,重复自己的模式,而这个模式是因为我们从小的教育,经历都有很大关系,我自己最大的得着是当我很小的时候,我和姥姥要吃的,我说我饿了,当时她在忙,就随口说了一句你乐了就唱吧,我当时感觉很受伤,觉得自己不够好,不配得到自己想要,觉得自己不被人喜欢,接纳,于是就开始封闭自己,把自己保护起来,接受我的要求不会得到满足的现状,自己躲起来生气而不是鼓起勇气进一步沟通自己的需求,以后,每每当我感觉到谈话中有一点点别人不愿意满足我的愿望的时候,我都会躲起来而不是积极有效的沟通。其实,我当时完全可以不带情绪的说,姥姥,我不是乐了,我只是饿了,可以给我一点吃的吗?面包就行。这样真诚的去说,至于得不得到,那是别人的事情,我们要做的功课是自己要完整表达出自己的愿望,不带情绪,去倾听。

8 最大的收获是,在遇到挫折的时候,不要逃避,不要气馁,试着平静的说出下面的话:



9 我们每次谈话都是一个机会,让我们去创造自己的生活,开拓无限的可能,所以每次谈话我们都在塑造自己,用自己的语言去塑造别人,然后别人再来塑造自己,语言真的是太重要了。

10 总结:因为我自己也做培训,所以这次去做志愿者,我是以学习的态度去的,学习他们的运作方式和他们的规则。我发现他们把每项工作真的做的很细,分工明确,规则清楚,其实两天半的课程我觉得安排一天内容就可以讲完,但他们把学习和现实生活有效结合起来,让大家每学一样东西,就和自己的家人或者朋友把之前没有沟通好的事情去沟通,和别人和解,对自己也有个交代,然后回来和大家分享成功经验或者失败教训。这种分享因为是真实的,所以很有鼓动力,会鼓舞更多的人去行动,然后分享,就像一个涟漪,波纹产生共振,然后影响更多人。之后他们鼓励你在之后的半天课程中邀请你的朋友来,再请大家分享,所以又会有新的学员进来,这样这个培训学院就是一个正循环,有了造血功能,变成对双方都有益处。 很值得学习。


Last Thursday I received an email which contains a shocking news: Jane Beach, the minister of Conscious Living Center decided to retire by Jun 1st. She decided to write a book and conduct some workshops for other churches.

I was really sad to hear it since conscious living center is my spiritual home and Jane is such a mother figure to me. So when I read this email, I was shocked and felt abandoned, it is like losing a mom in a family.

After I process it for two days, here is what I realize: Everyone has the right to choose where do they want to go, so does Jane. She deserves a fulfilling career, she needs a bigger audience than our community to spread out her love and wisdom. Maybe it is time for her to move on. That is a good opportunity for her.

Her leaving stirred up lots of my old pain of being abandoned or lack of security. But this is a perfect opportunity for me to practice it. We all had some old scar in our heart, maybe it is the toy we want but we can never get, maybe the reality is not what we expected to be, but this too shall pass. We have a choice either struggle with the reality or accept it and move on. Struggle is a deny of a reality, it is also a vulnerable place grow lots of stuff like: Maybe I am not good enough or maybe I am not worthy. But just like we won’t keep the dish of yesterday, whatever happened in the last moment passed already. Now we had a new moment, we have a choice: We can either stuck in the past or we can smile for the future. I choose to smile for the future. I know that God loves me so much that he will give me the best of everything to my life. Conscious living center will soon have a new pastor leading us and all will be well, and so it is.

My business or God’s business.

Long time ago I read a book from Byron katie ‘Loving what is’, in the book it says there are 3 parts of business: your business, my business and God’s business, and I am only responsible for my business. For example, if I want to get up at 6am today to run, this is my business. If you want to get up 6am to run with me, that is your business. And if it is raining or not, it is God’s business.

I feel human being is so empowered today, especially people live in California, each of us are almost self sufficient. We have enough abundance to get whatever we want, we have enough power to make everything we want to make happen, we have enough knowledge to do whatever what want to do. Gradually we feel we are so powerful that we don’t need anyone else in our world, we even feel so powerful that we are the god of our life. We thought we can control everything in our life, that is the source of our unhappiness, because when we see gap between our expectation and reality, we feel powerless.

I feel today it is time to let God do it’s business, if it will be earthquake tomorrow, if economy will be crash tomorrow, those type of things I let God to control instead for myself to worry, all I can do is to believe that God has a good reason to do everything to this world.

it is also time to let other’s to do their business: Starting from small things like if they like me, if they don’t like me to big things like how they like their life to be, they are creative, resourceful and whole, they have good reason to make whatever decision they like and I also believe that they are making the best decision they can to make the best of their life, whether I like it or not, it is their life that they are responsible for.

Then the rest is my business. I need to decide how I want to live my life and I am responsible to the happiness of my life. For example, recently I feel I am so lack of exercise, so I plan to go swimming twice a week and hang out with friends more. When you give the power of God’s business to God, give other’s business to others, you let yourself shine by what you chose to do with your life.

Live everyday as if it is the last day!

Yesterday, there was a car crashed on North fork of 85, not sure of what reason, a Chinese mom parked her car on the highway shoulder and left her 8 years daughter inside of the car and stayed outside with her son. Turned out a car on the back just crashed her car and the girl died immediately.

I was shocked when my co-worker told me this story, because that high way is right next to my place. I don’t want to comment how she parked on highway or why the guy behind hit her car, all I feel is: life is so fragile, enjoy each moment when you can.

Put myself in that mom’s shoes, maybe yesterday she was worried about lots of things: The housing price is so high, where to go to vacation, what clothes to buy for someone’s birthday party. But suddenly, all those things are not important anymore, then everything she used to have become so precious, even a simple dinner with her daughter became a luxury for her now.

We often like to save something for the special moment, we often feel we should work hard now then relax later. But sometimes, that later may never come. So what will you do differently if you know tomorrow is the last day of your life? Go travel? Buy something you don’t feel ready to buy? Tell someone you love them? How about make a bucket list, so that you can do it whenever you have time?

Life is mean to be enjoyed!