This morning, I am continuing questing about my ‘task mode’ and suddenly I realized that the source of all the problem is all because of myself. I don’t like the way I am now, so I am struggling to go somewhere else. But isn’t the essence of life is to focus who you are, instead of who you should be. Value part of yourself or all yourself develops your awareness, it will help you find your own strength.
So I start to campaigning myself: Olina, look inside, you are unique, you are special, unlike anyone else. Why not listen to yourself instead of looking for perfect. Whatever happens is whatever it meant to happen. It is not your fault, but it is not anyone else’s fault either, it is just life process. You just need to understand what does it mean to you, and calibrate what you are doing, you will be in good hand.
Then I decide to forgive myself again, for not accept part of myself and put myself in a struggling mode. Remember everything will pass, and everything will be good eventually, just enjoy the process and follow the flow, you will get your peace back.
Today, I learned to get the essence of life — Be myself, be with the flow, with peace.
I waked up around 5am this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I reflected on the peer coaching I conducted for the past two days and had several thoughts:
First, I found out myself living in an task force mode, I didn’t realized it until yesterday a peer coach gave me a feedback after I coached her. She mentioned that when she saw me leaning forward and look at her deeply, she felt a bit nervous, seems I am in a mode of searching for solutions, but she didn’t feel comfortable about it. We all know that coaches geography will affect client’s geography, so it is a good opportunity for me to do some self management.
I asked myself, how hard it is to relax when I do coaching? Seems everyone else is very relax, why can’t I? I traced it back and found out that maybe what happen is like this: First I felt what I did is not enough, since I have so many goals I want to achieve. So I started to plan a lot and fill in every possible slot of my schedule to move myself closer to my goal. Then I start to live in a mode of completing task. Soon it become like a routine: Every morning, I wake up and look at my schedule, I see it is very full, then I start to do one thing after another, I don’t enjoy it anymore, I only want to get the 100% out of it, so I am living in either completing the task or waiting for another task. I seldom stop because there are too many things to do. I do feel exhausted sometimes, but I told myself that if I accomplish more things, I can be more succeed, then I will be more happy. But the truth is I am just more exhausted in the circle without knowing when to stop. Ahha, it is actually not a healthy place to go! What a great finding!
And 2nd thought came to me is: I choose to forgive myself to be in whatever mode I am in now. I know I am not a perfect person, but I decide to accept myself whatever way it is. It is ok to be in task mode, it is ok to be not relax, as long as I am happy with it. I even think about picture that another self just looking from a higher place and look at the current self and smile, look at this silly girl, just see how long it will take her to figure out everything.
It is interesting that after I decide to forgive myself, I found out it is actually not that hard to slow down, embrace every moment in my life and live fully into it. It is just an attitude, be with it! Just that simple.
What I learn from this process is: In order to fix any relationship, you need to start to fix the relationship with yourself. Don’t be angry with myself when I can’t do things I planned to do. Don’t mad at myself even if I can’t follow through. Just relad and the flow will follow!