I shared my blog post to one of my friends. He came back said: Mmn, it is very insightful. I think I need to come up a new name for you: Monk who looks good in Prada. I laughed after I saw it. Monk world used to be so far to me, but after my 10 days Vipassana retreat, I felt it was no that bad. Oh, talked about Vipassana, I still need to finish my blog post about it. I’ve wrote two posts about it in Feb, now it is April already. I asked my heart: What is that you are resisting? What makes you hang there. After process, I realized it is again the fight between my head and heart, there are lots of vulnerability there that I unconsciously try to avoid. Well, what you resist persist. Now it is time to face it, so here it comes:
On the 4th day, we were taught a new meditation technique: Vipassana. The technique itself is very simple: With equalinamous mind, you observe your body from head to bottom. You think nothing, just observe, scan through your body one inch at a time, from your scalp, to face, to shoulder, to front body, back body, legs and feet. You will have lots of things come up during your scan, but you don’t name it good or bad, just observe your emotion rise up, then pass away, then another emotion rise up, then pass away. Because the only constant in this world is change, nothing good or bad, just observe it.
There are a sea of emotions came up for me during my meditation: I thought about my ex, when we first met. Happiness moment, sad moment, I suddenly realize it is totally me who attracted everything and made the result as of today. I thought about my China trip. one workshop I lead which is extremely important but I screwed up. I felt shame, then I ran away. I suddenly realize I need to redo this workshop and stand up in where I fell, even to do it for free. I thought about people I left behind, I thought about songs I used to sing when I was young, so I secretly sing it in the garden during break. I thought about my job, my travel. I suddenly had a n urge that I want to go to back China every four months, to see my parents and my friends. I thought about lots of feelings that I thought I forgot, but it was there deeply in my heart, somewhere in my body, I don’t even know it exist, through the meditation, it all rise up, then I make myself peaceful again with it. Then I went to a mode of extreme happiness and peace. I opened my arm, reached out to the sun, because it is never so sunny in my world. I embraces the wind, the mountain, like I never did before. I wrote down lots of things matters to me but I’ve forget through my day to day job. I feel myself wants to fly.
Doing vipassana for 5 days is such a transformation journey that I finally changed thinking pattern from outward to inward, I connected to my body, truly feel my own feeling without any judgement and see everything happened to me in truth. So I do it while I sit, I do it while i walk, I do it even while I sleep. One night, I woke up in middle, so I can’t help but do it, when I scan through my shoulders, I feel it is so heavy that I hold on so many things on it, so I just told myself remove it, then I feel something hard on my shoulders are dissolving, until it is totally gone. When I scan through my heart, I feel something is heavy there, so I told myself, remove it. So I feel the heaviness is gone. The next morning, when I wake up, I found my body is so light, then I realize: this shit works!
During my meditation, I often think, I have not talk for 9 days, what will be my first word to say after I am allowed to talk. I never figured it out, then the seemingly long Vipassana came to the 9th days, it is the day after the morning meditation,then we are allowed to speak. The teacher first teach us a new meditation technique: Metasana, basically it is like sending out love and compassion to your surroundings and give them blessings. So I practiced, it is the first time I found out I am so powerful, I can spread lots of love out. Then we meditate and meditate, then I was waiting the teachers give us some word, some closing, just like I usually do when I do workshops, but they said nothing, just left after the meditation music is gone.
Then I sit there, don’t know what to do. The girl sit next to me said? Is this the end of Holy silent? I said, yes, now we can start holy gassip. Then people all realized that we can talk now, so they started to laugh, to talk, soon the room became really loud at the first time. I sit there, a question kept on play inside: Is this it? Is this the end? I can’t believe it? How come you gave me so much and you just said nothing and left? How dare you? Then I realize, it is actually nothing, nothing between me and my God. Nothing between me and my growth. It is my own work, never someone else. Through this, I learned that the highest state being a coach/teacher is to become a tool and let them learn it. You can never push it. Just give them the tool, let them learn it. After that, I started to cry, my tears just came out heavily. I almost wanted to shout. So people around me asked: Are you ok? I said, Yes, I am ok, I am just too happy. So I walked out of the meditation hall, I cried in the sun, near the tree, I am happy about my new stage of life. I knew that my 15% was healed completely, in a way I never thought of, I cry about I find myself back. I cry about my new learning. I cry about how beautiful this damn world is!
I cried almost an hour, then I took a hot shower, blow dry my hair and changed to a new clothes, because it was Jan 1st, the first day of the new year. I know I will have a fresh start!