Learning from Landmark Power to Create!

接触到Landmark 培训其实是个很偶然的机会,有天下午一个朋友到我家玩,我就随口问句,你们周末做什么啊,他说,我要去参加Landmark Forum, 作为一个终身学习者,我对任何好的课程是没有抵抗力的,就也跟着人家一起去学了一个周末,他们的课程及其残忍,早9晚11,连学三天,学到那个周末我都快吐血了,当然那个周末也有了很多的突破,所以半年以后,当Landmark有个志愿者的机会向我招手的时候,我好了伤疤忘了痛,坚定的说,Yes.

我这次做志愿者的课程名字叫做Power To Create, 是Landmark 一个有名的沟通课程。 经历了两天早7晚11的魔鬼训练,这里是我的学习笔记,写出来大家分享:

1 人与人之间最重要的是沟通,最好的沟通是每次谈完我们双方都感觉被moved touched inspired, 这个翻译有点难度,我猜是感动,触摸,点醒。

2 我们每个人都有与生俱来的很大的影响力,只要我们立足于现在,行动起来,生命会有无限的可能和潜质。每天都是一个机会开拓你新的潜能。

3 沟通的本质是integrity 和 authenticity, 守信与真诚,我们每个人都要忠于自己。

4 当事情和预想不一样的时候,我们要及时清理,当我们和别人善始善终,我们也对自己有了很好的交代,然后继续迎接新的生活

5 对话分为自己对别人,别人对自己,别人对别人。当我们没有安全感,在求生状态,我们习惯于控制,说服,解释。当我们做自己命运的主人,我们真正学会放弃该放弃的,真正原谅别人,原谅自己,接受一切,活在当下,放低姿态,鼓舞别人,带着真诚,,勇于承担责任,有涵养的去沟通,我们就在创造生命无限的可能。沟通法则是:integrity, responsibility, generosity, stay in power, being in communication, resolve in communication

6 真正的沟通开始于我们走进对方的世界,真正的倾听他的感受。

7 我们每天的谈话很多都是重复的,重复自己的模式,而这个模式是因为我们从小的教育,经历都有很大关系,我自己最大的得着是当我很小的时候,我和姥姥要吃的,我说我饿了,当时她在忙,就随口说了一句你乐了就唱吧,我当时感觉很受伤,觉得自己不够好,不配得到自己想要,觉得自己不被人喜欢,接纳,于是就开始封闭自己,把自己保护起来,接受我的要求不会得到满足的现状,自己躲起来生气而不是鼓起勇气进一步沟通自己的需求,以后,每每当我感觉到谈话中有一点点别人不愿意满足我的愿望的时候,我都会躲起来而不是积极有效的沟通。其实,我当时完全可以不带情绪的说,姥姥,我不是乐了,我只是饿了,可以给我一点吃的吗?面包就行。这样真诚的去说,至于得不得到,那是别人的事情,我们要做的功课是自己要完整表达出自己的愿望,不带情绪,去倾听。

8 最大的收获是,在遇到挫折的时候,不要逃避,不要气馁,试着平静的说出下面的话:

我知道你在说什么,我接受你所有已经说的和没有说的,我接受你已经做的和没有做的,我接受你现在的样子和你不会成为的样子,我愿意全心的去倾听你的谈话。

当我们放下自我,活着当下,勇于接受,勇敢面对,保持开放的心态,真正的沟通会再次发生。

9 我们每次谈话都是一个机会,让我们去创造自己的生活,开拓无限的可能,所以每次谈话我们都在塑造自己,用自己的语言去塑造别人,然后别人再来塑造自己,语言真的是太重要了。

10 总结:因为我自己也做培训,所以这次去做志愿者,我是以学习的态度去的,学习他们的运作方式和他们的规则。我发现他们把每项工作真的做的很细,分工明确,规则清楚,其实两天半的课程我觉得安排一天内容就可以讲完,但他们把学习和现实生活有效结合起来,让大家每学一样东西,就和自己的家人或者朋友把之前没有沟通好的事情去沟通,和别人和解,对自己也有个交代,然后回来和大家分享成功经验或者失败教训。这种分享因为是真实的,所以很有鼓动力,会鼓舞更多的人去行动,然后分享,就像一个涟漪,波纹产生共振,然后影响更多人。之后他们鼓励你在之后的半天课程中邀请你的朋友来,再请大家分享,所以又会有新的学员进来,这样这个培训学院就是一个正循环,有了造血功能,变成对双方都有益处。 很值得学习。

After a bad hair cut…

Sometimes it is very interesting to witness myself. I constantly amazed by my reactions to things. Here is a recent example:

I went to a barber shop for deep conditioning, the barber recommended me to have a hair cut, since it is getting longer, so I agreed. After the hair cut, I realized that is not the style I want. But the hair can not grow back. What shall I do? I witnessed myself in several modes:

1. Self blame mode: After I came out of the barber shop, I started to have all kinds of reasons to blame myself. It is very interesting to see how easy the self criticize comes. One voice said: How come you are so random, you just let anyone cut your hair? Why you are so easy to trust other people. The other voice defended, we should go with flow, right? The hair is getting longer, we should cut it. But, the critic voice said, why not you find a better barber? Why today? Those two voices are quiet noisy for two weeks.

2. Problem solving mode: Since I am such a big fixer, once I realize the hair can not grow back in one night. All kinds of problem solving technique emerged: We should get a new hair brush, so that we can style it this way. Maybe a new hair gel. Maybe a new spray. Maybe color it. Maybe find another barber to fix it. I found that a bad hair cut is such a great way to stimulate economy. After I tried all kinds of ways, after i have so many new hair product in my bathroom but it doesn’t really help much. The fixer mode decided to give up.

3. Grief mode: I noticed that I gradually get into a mode of sadness. I feel sad about my hair, I am afraid that I am not looking good. I noticed myself don’t want to social much when this happens. Then I asked myself: Why you need to look good all the time? Why you need to always be in control? Are you allow yourself to look bad for couple months? What is good of looking good? Why it is so important to you? What matters of your hair with your identity?

4. Acceptance mode: After one month of struggling, I gradually get used to it. I accept good and bad part of hair as part of myself. It is by now, I am more peaceful. Then maybe a new thing comes in, then the circle begins again.

Is this experience sounds familiar to you? What did you learn about yourself from each incidence?

You are doomed to be successful!

One of the local community I involved in a lot is Conscious living center in Mountain View. The pastor Jane Beach is my favorite person. The most thing I learned from her is:

What if you know that you will be successful no matter what you do?

When I first heard she said that, I took a deep breath in, my mind went: Really? Then I noticed that I took a long breath out and asked myself: Why not? What are you afraid of?

Then suddenly, I had a big relief. We are living in such a fearful world. We are afraid that things won’t happening in our way, so we struggle, we fight, we work hard and we lost. We want to be in control and we forget we are just human being, we are not GOD! Human being wants to be God becomes the source of our suffering.

So what if start from today, we let go of the control, remember that we are doomed to be successful, no matter what we do, then just simple be ourselves and enjoy life. Give it a try?

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Human Being VS. Human Doing

Do you think people are born to be certain way or impacted by the surrounding environment to be whom he is today? I think both have a big influence, but I don’t know which one is more crucial.

When I look back to my life, I gradually see some patterns: When I grow up, China was really poor at that time, so working hard is the main theme. We value work, achievement, money more than feelings or heath. In this society, We have a common standard to define success and we all work hard to go there. We have a big goal in our mind, we want to go to college, we want to go to US, we want to go to the best school or get the best job in the world. We want to look good. We want others to admire me, but after we reach all your check points, we feel lost, because: Now what?

The first awakening I had is in 2009. I seem to meet all other’s expectation and reached the point I want to reach, but I feel so lost, because I found I was not happy. So I started my coaching journey, because I want to know what the hack is my life purpose. Am I coming to this world to meet all other people’s wishes? If no, who am I? Why I do what I do now?

So I started my self development journey. From CTI coaches training class, I realize instead of listening to our brain, we need to listen to our heart. Our heart has lots of wisdom about ourselves. From CTI leadership training, I learned to create from myself, create from others, create from nothing and create from everything. But I still feel lost.

Until recently, I realize that when people are goal oriented, the goal becomes the most important thing. This goal can be anything: Get a relationship you want, find a dream job, etc. In order to reach this goal, we put people around us as an object, we put time as an object, unconsciously we put ourselves our object too. That is the biggest difference between normal people and awaken people. When you have the awareness of love yourself, honoring people around you, slow down and focus more on relationship than object, you start the awakening journey.

So today, ask yourself, are you treating yourself as a human being or object? Are you treating others as human being or just see what they can do for us? I guess there is a reason we are called human being instead of human doing.

Relationship puzzles

Relationship is one of the most important element in our life. If you have a harmonious relationship, it will helps you on your health, wealthy, well being and longevity. We all want to have a great relationship, but not everyone does. When we fall in love, we thought it is the one, but after we get along with each other, we find out there are lots of things incompatible, so we blame other people why they be the way they be and blame ourselves picked the wrong person. So we either stay or move on. But the puzzles remains — no matter who are you with, you will have the up moment and down moment, how to be with it becomes a handy knowledge for ourselves.

I talked to my coach Emily Peng(Yes, Coach needs a coach too, actually, we need more emotional support) yesterday, this is what she said:

Human being is holistic. We cannot avoid one’s darkness even though we hate facing the reality at all. The difficulty is once you choose one aspect of these personalities you like, the other side eventually will catch up to manifest itself to you. Everyone has a illusion. We have the control and wisdom to choose the things which fit our desire most. However the hidden so-called Negative parts have been chosen at the same time. Our growing edge is to expand our capacity to accept those excluded by our judgement and develop the ability to respond to their both sides.

All I can say is:

1. It takes courage to face it. How many time we numb ourselves that we can use our success in career to replace our relationship, because it gives us the fulfillment and validation we need. But hiding ourselves from relationship let us lost the touch of a deep part of ourselves and other human being.

2. It takes determination to choose. I see lot of people they move from one relationship to another, because they are not willing to deal with the dark side, but in the end, the life will be full of disappointment.

3. It takes patient to stay. Stay for ourselves and stay for other people. Patient is the key.

4. It takes wisdom to know what matters in life and what is not.

5. It takes communication to solve the problem. It is always a two-person game instead of one. Communication helps us to see things from other’s perspective, to understand what they come from, to respect each other’s point of view and to work out a mutually beneficial solution for both party and the third entity — relationship.

I wish everyone in the world has a great relationship. Your happiness is very important to this society!

The power of surrender

I used to be a big planner, I plan for my day, my week, my month and my year. If you talk about goals, then you are talking to the right person. I set goals and I am arrow focus on my goal. It worked for me for a while, until I realized that there is a cost to it: I am either living in the setting the goal mode or achieving the goal mode, I forget on how to live my life in between.

At one point, my leadership tribe member told me that I need to learn to surrender and enjoy doing nothing. Doing nothing sounds little scary to me at beginning, then I started to ask myself: what I am not trust of, what I need to hold on tightly to make it happen.

Today I receive an important message for my life: You must be willing to lose it all before you can have it all.

It means that until you can let go of everything, you will find it hard to hold onto anything.

Detachment is the key. If you are so attached to something that you are deeply unhappy without it, then you are not simply attached, you are addicted.

Maybe it is right, I attach to things, when I look too close to the result, I forget to enjoy the process. When I am too addict to do it my way, I closed up all the doors to other opportunities. Today, God let me access the power of surrender.

China story — Begger with a kid

I got some projects in China this year, so I travel to China frequently. I see lots of new things here that I normally won’t see in US, so I guess I’d better to write them down just in case I forget about it later.

One of the biggest social problem in China nowadays is there are not much trust exist among people, I think it is true and I feel pity about it. This is what I experience recently and it made me think more.

Two weeks ago, I went to visit my friend’s company in Beijing, we had a great conversation. On my way back, I saw a lady laying on the street with a little boy, around 5 years old, they seems really beaten up by life, so I reached out to my purse and put one yuan in their beggar’s box, then I noticed that she wrote something in front of her. It says, my husband ran away with another women, left me and my son here, we need money to take the train back to my hometown, please help us.

I usually don’t believe street begger like this, but somehow when I saw her kid, I am touched deeply, he is at the age of my nieces and he reminded me someone. So I asked: how much do you need to go home? She said 156 Yuan. I asked her: how much do you have now? She said around 60 Yuan. I only have 260 left there and I gave her 100. I told her: Go get a ticket, go home with your kid, don’t lay down here. She almost cried and thanked me. Then I looked at that boy again and left.

On my way back home, I first felt great, I am glad that I can help someone who needs help. She needs to rebuild her life, she needs to get her dignity back, that boy needs to go back to school, above all, they need to go home before anything. I am very happy that I helped them.

10 minutes later, one thought came to me: What if she lied, she is just a begger, she made up a story for money. But I asked myself, who wants to pretend a beggar and bring kids out for money? Two thoughts are fighting in my brain, so I called my friends and told them what happened.

Friend A said: Ok, you gave her 100 Yuan? You gave to her already, just relax and be happy!

Friend B said, 100 Yuan? You silly girl, there are thousands of thousands beggers on street in China, they all have prefect stories, none of the story are true.

Friend C said, well, if you go to the same street next week, she will still be there, since that is what she does, begging for money.

I decided not to tell anyone about it, since seems I just did something stupid and even worse, I feel good about it. So I buried it in my heart.

Today, I went to visit my friend again, before I go, I prayed, Oh lord, please don’t let me see her there again, come on, two weeks already, please change a location.

I felt happy on my way there, since I didn’t see her. I feel happy on my way back, since nobody is there. Thanks Lord! I told myself, maybe her story is true, maybe she just needs that money to go home and I made it happen. Well, another voice comes again, maybe she just changed a location. I don’t care now, whether her story is true or not, I wish her happy. I wish that little boy can get some food to eat, that’s all.

Trust, what made us trust? When did we lost that trust? Is it inside out or outside in?

You are worthy!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, who would like this $20 bill? Hands started going up. He said, I am going to give this to one of you, but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the bill up. He then asked, who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied what if I do this? He dropped it on the ground, and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. Now, who still wants it? Still hands went into the air. My friends, you all have learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it, because, it did not decrease in value. It was still worth 20 dollars.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel that we are worthless, but, no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value, dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do, or whom we know, but by who we are.

You are special, don’t ever forget it!