What do you love about yourself?

I met Peter Rengel from HAI workshop, he offers a great workshop called: Living life in the now in Berkeley twice a year, each for 8 weeks, it’s base on his book: Living life in love. I attended the spring class and felt it worked tremendously on me, it taught me how to do heart meditation, it helped me opened my heart, so I signed up for fall class to repeat as well.

Each week during class we will have some topics to ponder on and daily meditation to do. This week’s topic is about what do you love about yourself and how can you love yourself more?

It is usually hard to think what do we love ourselves more, since most of the time we think about what we did wrong and what we can do better. It is like we are never enough no matter you are 10 years old, 30 years old or 50 years old, we always have room to improve. I am really glad Peter holding this space for us so we can take a break from our criticize mind and think about how wonderful we are.

So what do I love about myself? I started to ponder and got the below list:

I am compassionate, loving, real, self-aware, sensitive and uplifting, I have lots of good hopes of life, I learn from mistake. I am lovely when I smile(maybe when I am not too, I don’t know). I love that I keep exercise. I love all the beautiful things in life. I am courageous, I have integrity, I am congruent between doing and saying. I take care of my parents and love kids. (My niece said I am the best aunt in the world!) I am a good cook, I am truthful to myself, I am sincere to my friends. I am self sustainable. I can lead a really good life by myself. I am nice to myself. I love my body, I love my hair, I love my hand, I love my feet. I feel I have a healing power. My business partner said when we first see something blurry, I can quickly come out an idea on how to proceed and find out solution and take action. I love that I have strong ability and strong execution. I love that I am very good at multi-tasking, I can handle lots of things at same time. I have great intuition, I can feel how people think and feel and just pick it up from universe. I never remember bad things about people, I forget things fast. I am simple, I set my own boundaries, I am loyal and my boyfriend will feel really safe to be with me.

After I listed out so many things I love about myself, I feel so much joy and so peaceful. It is amazing to see that I have so many good qualities that I love about myself. What do you love about yourself? 🙂

 

Learning from death exercise

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I attended a workshop last weekend. There is a death experience inside that made me really alert, awake and reflect about my life.

I used to put ‘Living each day as the last of my life’ as my motto. That is where I got inspired by Steve Job’s speech in Stanford. But I get caught up by life and it’s so easy to forget about where do you came from, why you are here and what is important for life.

The exercise is about if you know you are going to die tomorrow, what will you do? Such a few simple questions, but it also bring up lots of emotions.

The first thing I want to do before I know I will die is to give all my money and belongings to my mom. But I realized that my mom lives in a good life and she doesn’t really need my money. So I decided to give half to my nieces(my brother’s two little girls, they are 11 and 8 this year). But my brother lives in an abundant life, they have everything they need, they don’t need my money too. Then I realized that maybe money is over rated in my life?

I also thought about house. I put lots of stress on myself that I want to buy a beautiful house of my own. But to the end, I can not bring the house with me

3rd thing comes to me is that Jesus, it’s only two weeks? I don’t even have enough time to give birth to a baby. I so want to be a mom and have my own baby. I want to tell him how much I love him and I want to become a good mom. Two weeks is too short to have baby, then I accept I won’t have baby now.

Then I started to say bye to all my family, relatives, friends, acquaintances. I cried when I say say bye to my mom, my brother, my aunt, my uncle and other friends. Then I realized that after I did Vision Quest with Patrick Ryan, the death lodge session has already helped me to clear up almost all the old scar/tangle with people from my past. I’ve already forgive myself and everyone who hurled me before, also apologized for what I did to other people. I am pretty clean with my past. Then I realize something missing: I don’t have a love one in my life that I can say bye to. It is such an empty feeling that I feel I miss so far. Ever since I ended my last relationship, I actually met lots of great man and lots of them expressed interest in me, but I can always find proof that he is the not the one. My friends thought I am picky, only myself know that deeply inside of myself I am so wounded, I don’t want to get close to anyone. I guess it’s a life choice that you are either wounded by open your heart or close your heart so that you won’t get hurt, but you also don’t have a true life too.

During the exercise, we also visualized that we left our body and see how people react by seeing me dead and what people will say during my memorial service. Also they let me choose what I want to write in my tombstone. I come out with: I lived, I loved. I feel I did nothing in this life, I don’t know what is anything bigger than love.

Soon, this exercise came to an end. We were told that it is just an exercise, but what did we learnt from it? Then the leader asked us to come out with a declaration of my life. The declaration I came out is: I am lovable and loving, I have courage to love.

Have courage and be kind, my friend. I wish you live your life well too!

Vision Quest Learning from Patrick Ryan

Olina in Wonderland

前记:

第一次听说Patrick Ryan是在2012年,朋友告诉我她的一个朋友去了一个为时7天的Vision Quest, 在荒野里寻找自己人生的意义,回来以后强烈推荐,觉得人生改变了很多。做为一个终生学习者,一听到?这样的好东西我就非常的向往,尤其听到Patrick 曾经在缅甸当过和尚,更是视其为天人。于是之后的日子Vision Quest 好几次出现在我的新年计划里,但都因为浮沉俗世的总总牵绊,没能成行。今年,当我发现这次的quest 是在我生日的当天,我感觉宇宙好像在呼唤我过来:来吧,Olina,有什么比这个更好的庆祝新的生日的时候呢?于是2016年4月18日,我风风火火的来到了位于Joshua Tree Park 附近的沙漠,开始了我7天的Vision Quest 之旅。

开始:
到达Vision Quest的第一天,我第一次见到了传说中的Patrick, 小老头和蔼可亲,第一次见面拥抱我长达2分钟之久,好像久违的亲人,在这里等了我很久的样子。Patrick 说,人生来就是一个完整的个体,饿了哭,高兴了笑,简单而开心。但在成长的过程中我们会有牵绊,每次经历挫折我们的灵魂都会丢失一些,当我们丢失灵魂以后会常常沮丧,?挫败感。同时,当一个人做事失败的时候不是因为他没有能力,而是因为他忘记了做这件事的初心和使命。

开始的头两天Patrick给我们做了很多准备工作,不停的从各个层面激发我们回首自己的过去,找寻生命的意义。并且不停的告诉我们之后会有三天两夜我们需要到沙漠里面独自生存,可以带两加仑的水,两块粘布挡挡风雨,睡袋和足够御寒的衣服。不让带帐篷,不给吃东西,不和外界交流。听到这个我就害怕了,我以为我大老远的从硅谷跑来是听你给我传授人生的真谛,什么?居然三天两夜没有东西吃?还要住在沙漠里,沙漠里面有山狼,有蛇,有各种各样的危险,我被咬了怎么办?晚上这么冷,风那么大,冻坏了怎么办?我发现自己在犹豫。只可惜不是自己开车来的,连偷偷跑掉的可能都没有。就不停的和Patrick 碎碎念,我好害怕,觉得自己坚持不下来。Patrick 倒是很淡定,他说我觉得你是一个非常勇敢的女生,你面对困难不能老躲啊,坚强点,去吧。过了这三天,你这辈子就没有过不去的事情了。我一听,也是,躲也躲不过去了,咱就硬着头皮往前冲吧!

沙漠里的第一天:

终于到了这一天,我们开始荒漠之旅。凌晨5点45,我们出发上路了,像Alice 走进极美世界,我背着前一天晚上小熊帮我准备好的大包,带着我的睡袋,垫子,两块粘布,所有御寒的衣服就出发了。出发的时候倒是没有想那么多,就当郊游了。三天两夜总得找个落脚的地方吧?我背着那么大的行囊和所有的家当在荒野里面走,心里充满恐惧,觉得要找个安全的地方比较重要,挡风御寒的最好。找来找去,犹豫了半天,终于我发现一块大石头的后面不错,下面是软软的沙子,可以挡风,挡太阳,于是决定安营扎寨在这里。但我观察四周的时候,我看到了动物的粪便,就想, 这会不会是野狼的窝呢,就往石头下面的山洞里面仔细看,下面是一堆乱石头,再看,我看到了一个桔红色的小蛇在里面悠悠的爬过。这里居然是蛇窝?我吓的有点发抖,赶快收拾好所有家当,跑回去找Patrick 告状:蛇,这里居然真的有蛇。Patrick 很安静的看着我,说这里是野外,当然什么都有啊,多正常。但是我很害怕啊,我说。Patrick 说不要说我很害怕,是你内心那个三岁的小孩害怕了,但我看到的Olina 是勇敢的坚韧的,是可以承担起这个责任的。你是想让你内心三岁的小孩做主你的人生呢?还是你已经长大的自己。我想想,说的也是,是时候该长大了。自己掌握自己的人生。但是,现在怎么办呢?我还是害怕啊。Patrick 问我,你需要什么?我说我需要你帮忙我找个栖身之处,帮我把粘布支好。他说好吧,就带着我和我所有家当回到了沙漠里面。他帮我找到一个Juniper 树,帮我把粘布用绳子搭在树上,算是有个避风挡雨的窝,就走了。这样折腾了一圈,已近傍晚,我就开始写写日记,玩会儿石头,对着晚霞跳舞,冲着月亮乱叫,叫累了,就钻进我的小窝睡觉了。睡前我好好的把我这颗juniper 树赞美了一番,我说Juniper 呀Juniper, 请你好好保护我吧,不要受到所有的干扰。谢谢啦。就睡了。这一夜,居然一觉睡到天亮,完全忘了我一天没有吃东西的事。

沙漠里的第二天:
早上,天亮我才醒,但感觉好冷,就不想动,主要也不知道这一天在荒野里面要干啥,就蹭着到太阳出来好高了才起床。起床后想起来还有两加仑水在那个大石头那边,没有饭吃,总得喝水吧。就壮起胆子去把自己的水拿回来,顺便也走走,看看周围。这里是古印第安人朝圣的地方,依稀还可以看到大石头?各种形态,各种表情。我试着和石头人沟通:石头人你好,我是Olina, 我生命的意义是什么呢?喊了半天,也没见石头人理我,倒是看到奔跑的小兔子,到我面前停了下来,我只好和小兔子说话,兔子你好,你想带我去哪里呢?兔子就这么安静的看了我5分钟,我也没听懂它想说啥,蹲着实在太累,就继续往前流浪。这里石头山太多了,我几乎都找不到昨天呆的地方了,只好大声像石头人求助:我问,可以帮忙我找到昨天的地方吗?我真的需要水。结果喊完我就发现那个地方就在前面。我战战兢兢的走向那个石头,发现我的水还在,但没有蛇在前面,就胆战心惊的过去把水拿着就走了,回到我栖身的地方,日头还不到中午,太阳开始毒了起来,风非常的大,让我没处躲没处藏的。这时候才发现自己也饿了。想吃香蕉,想吃鸡蛋,想我最爱的日本寿司店。我闭上眼睛,假装自己眼前?那么多的食物,我一点一点的吃,吃完摸摸自己的肚子,安慰自己说饱了吧。结果一会儿又饿了,这时候沙漠里面的太阳已经毒辣的厉害,狂风四起,我又热又饿又被风吹的难受,实在没有办法了就钻进我的避风港睡觉,睡了一会,起来发现没有那么饿啊。就开始写日记,玩石头,把脑子里面所有想的东西都写了一遍下来。发现没有微信打扰,其实也还好。不久就日落了,我就开始看着日落,看着晚霞满天飞,再看着月亮渐渐升起来。那天晚上的晚霞是我这一生见过的最美的晚霞。我看着自己的全部家当,其实发现就这些就够了,其实人真的需要那么多外在的物质吗?

Patrick 曾经说过,第二天的晚上尤其重要, 我们不能睡觉,要对着月亮大声说出自己的心愿,也问月亮我的人生的意义是什么。可是今晚的月亮很是诡异,出来一会儿就躲进云层,不再露脸,我等呀等呀,月亮就是不出来。我就好生气啊:我又冷,又饿,又累,挨了两天,就是要等今晚的月亮,但是今晚没有月亮,你让我对着谁叫呢?没有月亮的夜晚,沙漠里面安静的可怕,我要对谁起舞呢?也许我可以去找Patrick, 和他们一起也是个伴。我于是再一次收拾起了我的行囊,把睡袋,垫子,凳子,所有东西都装了起来,就又回到了营地,我对Patrick 大叫:Patrick, 今晚居然没有月亮!Patrick 说,今晚有月亮,它就是暂时被挡住了,很快就会出来,你要有耐心!我说沙漠里面好黑啊,我不想回去了,我可以在这边安营扎寨,等月亮出来吗?Patrick说,Olina,你已经完成了80%了,我很为你骄傲。为什么你不去完成最后的20%呢。你想想,刚来的时候你?想过你已经在沙漠里面呆两天一夜了吗?我说,但是没有月亮,又这么冷,我不敢一个人在外面,我估计回去就睡觉了。Patrick 说,就算是回去睡觉,你也是完成了啊。你已经在那个地方积累了你两天的能量,你要就这样抛弃它吗?他用了Abandon 抛弃这个词,我听了吓一跳,很多时候事不如意我们会抛弃这件事,抛弃别人,甚至抛弃自己。抛弃也是一种逃避,但我们要逃避到什么时候呢?我不喜欢逃避。于是我听到自己说,好吧,我回去。我真的不知道自己?那么大的胆子,靠着一个头灯,背着那么重的行囊,提着我的水和凳子,又再一次在黑暗中摸索回了沙漠。但是这一次,我找不到自己的地方了,我转啊转,几次来回,都找不到了。我想是因为我抛弃了那颗Juniper树,它不高兴了。但是我需要找到它,我不想抛弃它。于是我大声喊:大地母亲,请你原谅我,我真的想找回我的Juniper Tree,Please, please. 于是,我继续在黑暗里面摸索,仔细寻找,终于找到了我的那颗树。我高兴的要命,马上把粘布铺好,睡垫打开,睡袋放进去,就钻进睡袋了。沙漠里面的天气好冷,今晚的风好大,这个是我唯一可以坚持下来的办法。风一直吹着我的头,我把所有东西盖到了脑袋上去睡觉。这一晚,我偏偏睡不着了,我听到丝丝的响声,我有点害怕,但我想就算是蛇又怎样呢?我又没有踩到它,它不会怎样我的,不怕不怕。我渐渐的睡去了。半夜醒了3次,我看到月亮,于是大声喊:我是Olina, 我生命的意义是什么?月亮还是冲我笑,不讲话。我就又睡去了。

沙漠里的第三天:
等我第三天醒来的时候,天已经亮了。月亮还在,但太阳还没有出来。我看到天亮了好高兴,急忙从我的睡袋里面钻了出来,风依旧大,天依旧冷。但我的心情是不一样的。我开始慢慢收拾我的行囊,一样一样把东西叠好,放进包里面,然后,慢慢的等太阳出来。等啊等,等到日出的那一刹那,我哭了,我从来没有看到过那么美的日出,我也没有看到过如此坚韧的自己。我像一个凯旋的士兵,拿着我的所有东西,一步一步迈向了营地,Patrick 他们早已经在那边等我,他看见我回来,开始给我拍照(亲啊,我已经几天没有梳头,洗脸刷牙了)我顾不上了,上去紧紧抱住Patrick, 说我做到了,如果我可以做这个,我可以做天下所有的事情!Patrick 说是,我在你身上看到了一个坚持,勇敢的Olina, 我为你骄傲!我信心满满,我发现我的眼神,我的步调都坚定了很多。

后:
终于回到了熟悉的营地房间,可以洗澡,有早餐可以吃,我发现我们真的太幸福了。终于不用被风吹日晒了,我心里真的充满对这个世界的感激,觉得这个世界给我们的太多了,太多的爱,但是我还在自己的小世界里面自怨自哀。这次沙漠之旅让我感受到了这个世界的爱。

吃完早餐,我带着手机出去像沙漠里面的所有东西答谢并告别,手机还有44%的电,我觉得够了,于是出发,像我的栖身之地的Junipe树感谢并告别,像所有陪伴过我的石头人,像小兔子,像鸟儿,像蜥蜴,说出我的感激之情,并且照相留念。不知道为啥,照了一会儿像,手机显示电池不够了,我觉得还好,就继续往前走,感谢陪伴我三天两夜的沙漠,走到起初看到蛇的大石头,我刚想照相,突然发现手机一点电都没有了。我笑了,这块石头用这种方法告诉我不要照了,留在记忆中就好。我鞠躬感谢,然后慢慢的拥抱沙漠,拥抱自己。

Patrick 写了三本书了,其中一本就叫Awaken Wisdom, 苏醒的智慧,摆在桌子上面,我于是好奇的翻了翻,他看到我在看他的书,就说,我可以送给你啊。我好高兴,说真的吗?太感谢了!他说你需要我在上面签名吗?我可以给你写些东西。我傻乎乎的还没有想过还有这些好事,连忙说好啊!他就提笔给我写了如下的赠言:

To Olina, the courageous one,

For all the creation of that you are talked to!

Patrick.

感谢Patrick, 感谢此次Vision Quest 的所有充满爱的人们,感谢这沙漠里的万事万物。人说万物有灵,我在这次行程中看到了他们的灵魂,也找到了自己的灵魂。

Human Being VS. Human Doing

Do you think people are born to be certain way or impacted by the surrounding environment to be whom he is today? I think both have a big influence, but I don’t know which one is more crucial.

When I look back to my life, I gradually see some patterns: When I grow up, China was really poor at that time, so working hard is the main theme. We value work, achievement, money more than feelings or heath. In this society, We have a common standard to define success and we all work hard to go there. We have a big goal in our mind, we want to go to college, we want to go to US, we want to go to the best school or get the best job in the world. We want to look good. We want others to admire me, but after we reach all your check points, we feel lost, because: Now what?

The first awakening I had is in 2009. I seem to meet all other’s expectation and reached the point I want to reach, but I feel so lost, because I found I was not happy. So I started my coaching journey, because I want to know what the hack is my life purpose. Am I coming to this world to meet all other people’s wishes? If no, who am I? Why I do what I do now?

So I started my self development journey. From CTI coaches training class, I realize instead of listening to our brain, we need to listen to our heart. Our heart has lots of wisdom about ourselves. From CTI leadership training, I learned to create from myself, create from others, create from nothing and create from everything. But I still feel lost.

Until recently, I realize that when people are goal oriented, the goal becomes the most important thing. This goal can be anything: Get a relationship you want, find a dream job, etc. In order to reach this goal, we put people around us as an object, we put time as an object, unconsciously we put ourselves our object too. That is the biggest difference between normal people and awaken people. When you have the awareness of love yourself, honoring people around you, slow down and focus more on relationship than object, you start the awakening journey.

So today, ask yourself, are you treating yourself as a human being or object? Are you treating others as human being or just see what they can do for us? I guess there is a reason we are called human being instead of human doing.

What is true love?

Sometimes I wonder what is true love. We all looking for love: We want to give love to others and we want to receive the love we want. But the ways we love are all different. For someone, love is control, for other people, love is give, you can also say love is sacrifice. The best version I’ve learned recently is:

To love, is to give someone the freedom to be himself.

I see two keywords here:

1. Give: My principle is love is give. When you give, you open your hands and reach out to other people. When you open your hand, you also through away the control and be open and receptive to receive whatever comes.

2. Freedom: Freedom is one of my biggest value. I think everyone comes to this world for a purpose. So we use our whole life to explore that purpose, by the time we complete, we can leave this world. Life partner should be our best supportive team for this quest. To allow each other to grow, to manifest, to break down until we have a break through.

Also, to love someone, the first place to start is always love ourselves first. So my inquiry today is: Do you give yourself the freedom to be yourself? Are you the best cheer leader, companionship to yourself? Do you love yourself? How do you nurture yourself everyday? Any comments are welcomed here and I looking forward to hear from you about your version of love!

Relationship puzzles

Relationship is one of the most important element in our life. If you have a harmonious relationship, it will helps you on your health, wealthy, well being and longevity. We all want to have a great relationship, but not everyone does. When we fall in love, we thought it is the one, but after we get along with each other, we find out there are lots of things incompatible, so we blame other people why they be the way they be and blame ourselves picked the wrong person. So we either stay or move on. But the puzzles remains — no matter who are you with, you will have the up moment and down moment, how to be with it becomes a handy knowledge for ourselves.

I talked to my coach Emily Peng(Yes, Coach needs a coach too, actually, we need more emotional support) yesterday, this is what she said:

Human being is holistic. We cannot avoid one’s darkness even though we hate facing the reality at all. The difficulty is once you choose one aspect of these personalities you like, the other side eventually will catch up to manifest itself to you. Everyone has a illusion. We have the control and wisdom to choose the things which fit our desire most. However the hidden so-called Negative parts have been chosen at the same time. Our growing edge is to expand our capacity to accept those excluded by our judgement and develop the ability to respond to their both sides.

All I can say is:

1. It takes courage to face it. How many time we numb ourselves that we can use our success in career to replace our relationship, because it gives us the fulfillment and validation we need. But hiding ourselves from relationship let us lost the touch of a deep part of ourselves and other human being.

2. It takes determination to choose. I see lot of people they move from one relationship to another, because they are not willing to deal with the dark side, but in the end, the life will be full of disappointment.

3. It takes patient to stay. Stay for ourselves and stay for other people. Patient is the key.

4. It takes wisdom to know what matters in life and what is not.

5. It takes communication to solve the problem. It is always a two-person game instead of one. Communication helps us to see things from other’s perspective, to understand what they come from, to respect each other’s point of view and to work out a mutually beneficial solution for both party and the third entity — relationship.

I wish everyone in the world has a great relationship. Your happiness is very important to this society!

The power of surrender

I used to be a big planner, I plan for my day, my week, my month and my year. If you talk about goals, then you are talking to the right person. I set goals and I am arrow focus on my goal. It worked for me for a while, until I realized that there is a cost to it: I am either living in the setting the goal mode or achieving the goal mode, I forget on how to live my life in between.

At one point, my leadership tribe member told me that I need to learn to surrender and enjoy doing nothing. Doing nothing sounds little scary to me at beginning, then I started to ask myself: what I am not trust of, what I need to hold on tightly to make it happen.

Today I receive an important message for my life: You must be willing to lose it all before you can have it all.

It means that until you can let go of everything, you will find it hard to hold onto anything.

Detachment is the key. If you are so attached to something that you are deeply unhappy without it, then you are not simply attached, you are addicted.

Maybe it is right, I attach to things, when I look too close to the result, I forget to enjoy the process. When I am too addict to do it my way, I closed up all the doors to other opportunities. Today, God let me access the power of surrender.

China story — Begger with a kid

I got some projects in China this year, so I travel to China frequently. I see lots of new things here that I normally won’t see in US, so I guess I’d better to write them down just in case I forget about it later.

One of the biggest social problem in China nowadays is there are not much trust exist among people, I think it is true and I feel pity about it. This is what I experience recently and it made me think more.

Two weeks ago, I went to visit my friend’s company in Beijing, we had a great conversation. On my way back, I saw a lady laying on the street with a little boy, around 5 years old, they seems really beaten up by life, so I reached out to my purse and put one yuan in their beggar’s box, then I noticed that she wrote something in front of her. It says, my husband ran away with another women, left me and my son here, we need money to take the train back to my hometown, please help us.

I usually don’t believe street begger like this, but somehow when I saw her kid, I am touched deeply, he is at the age of my nieces and he reminded me someone. So I asked: how much do you need to go home? She said 156 Yuan. I asked her: how much do you have now? She said around 60 Yuan. I only have 260 left there and I gave her 100. I told her: Go get a ticket, go home with your kid, don’t lay down here. She almost cried and thanked me. Then I looked at that boy again and left.

On my way back home, I first felt great, I am glad that I can help someone who needs help. She needs to rebuild her life, she needs to get her dignity back, that boy needs to go back to school, above all, they need to go home before anything. I am very happy that I helped them.

10 minutes later, one thought came to me: What if she lied, she is just a begger, she made up a story for money. But I asked myself, who wants to pretend a beggar and bring kids out for money? Two thoughts are fighting in my brain, so I called my friends and told them what happened.

Friend A said: Ok, you gave her 100 Yuan? You gave to her already, just relax and be happy!

Friend B said, 100 Yuan? You silly girl, there are thousands of thousands beggers on street in China, they all have prefect stories, none of the story are true.

Friend C said, well, if you go to the same street next week, she will still be there, since that is what she does, begging for money.

I decided not to tell anyone about it, since seems I just did something stupid and even worse, I feel good about it. So I buried it in my heart.

Today, I went to visit my friend again, before I go, I prayed, Oh lord, please don’t let me see her there again, come on, two weeks already, please change a location.

I felt happy on my way there, since I didn’t see her. I feel happy on my way back, since nobody is there. Thanks Lord! I told myself, maybe her story is true, maybe she just needs that money to go home and I made it happen. Well, another voice comes again, maybe she just changed a location. I don’t care now, whether her story is true or not, I wish her happy. I wish that little boy can get some food to eat, that’s all.

Trust, what made us trust? When did we lost that trust? Is it inside out or outside in?