I attended a workshop last weekend. There is a death experience inside that made me really alert, awake and reflect about my life.
I used to put ‘Living each day as the last of my life’ as my motto. That is where I got inspired by Steve Job’s speech in Stanford. But I get caught up by life and it’s so easy to forget about where do you came from, why you are here and what is important for life.
The exercise is about if you have two weeks to live, what will you do? How do you want to design your own funeral? Who will you talk to in your death bed and what do you want to put in your tomb stone etc. Such a few simple questions, but it also bring up lots of emotions.
The first thing I want to do before I know I will die is to give all my money and belongings to my mom. But I realized that my mom lives in a good life and she doesn’t really need my money. So I decided to give half to my nieces(my brother’s two little girls, they are 11 and 8 this year). But my brother lives in an abundant life, they have everything they need, they don’t need my money too. Then I realized that maybe money is over rated in my life?
I also thought about house. I put lots of stress on myself that I want to buy a beautiful house of my own. But to the end, I can not bring the house with me
3rd thing comes to me is that Jesus, it’s only two weeks? I don’t even have enough time to give birth to a baby. I so want to be a mom and have my own baby. I want to tell him how much I love him and I want to become a good mom. Two weeks is too short to have baby, then I accept I won’t have baby now.
Then I started to say bye to all my family, relatives, friends, acquaintances. I cried when I say say bye to my mom, my brother, my aunt, my uncle and other friends. Then I realized that after I did Vision Quest with Patrick Ryan, the death lodge session has already helped me to clear up almost all the old scar/tangle with people from my past. I’ve already forgive myself and everyone who hurled me before, also apologized for what I did to other people. I am pretty clean with my past. Then I realize something missing: I don’t have a love one in my life that I can say bye to. It is such an empty feeling that I feel I miss so far. Ever since I ended my last relationship, I actually met lots of great man and lots of them expressed interest in me, but I can always find proof that he is the not the one. My friends thought I am picky, only myself know that deeply inside of myself I am so wounded, I don’t want to get close to anyone. I guess it’s a life choice that you are either wounded by open your heart or close your heart so that you won’t get hurt, but you also don’t have a true life too.
During the exercise, we also visualized that we left our body and see how people react by seeing me dead and what people will say during my memorial service. Also they let me choose what I want to write in my tombstone. I come out with: I lived, I loved. I feel I did nothing in this life, I don’t know what is anything bigger than love.
Soon, this exercise came to an end. We were told that it is just an exercise, but what did we learnt from it? Then the leader asked us to come out with a declaration of my life. The declaration I came out is: I am lovable and loving, I have courage to love.
Have courage and be kind, my friend. I wish you live your life well too!